Aries : March 21 - April 20
Age is just a number, it doesn’t matter how old you are; your strengths shine through regardless. Ignore younger people telling you it’s time to move over, they’re just jealous of your vast experience. Perhaps you could teach these young pups a lesson or two? They may be faster, smarter, sharper and hungrier than you, but dammit, you’re old! You’ve earned your right to be where you are! Hang on to that spot!
Wrestling Arieans : Undertaker, DDP, Roddy Piper
Taurus : April 21 - May 21
You realise you’re not a wrestler anymore, right? You’re an entertainer! You’re a movie star! You’re an author! You’re anything BUT a plain old wrestler, and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Sure, wrestling’s what made you famous, but now that you have that fame, cut off totally from it, or go back once or twice a year just for a quick PR boost, but definitely don’t wrestle full-time - lord knows you’ve given the fans enough!
Wrestling Taureans : The Rock
Gemini : May 22 - June 21
Heeeeeey! You’re so smooth, you probably aren’t even reading this! You are at the peak of your career, you single-handedly turned round your industry, and now’s the time to take your foot off the throttle and ease back... why be at the cutting edge all the time? Why not let someone else take the flak and just keep your head down, do your job and bide your time. After all, you can always relax at the end of the day in a club and choose from any woman in the world - they do all want you, you know...
Wrestling Geminis : Eric Bischoff
Cancer : June 22 - July 22
Who cares? Who cares what people think of you? You’ll do what you want, and people will have to deal with it. After all, what do they know anyway? You’ve been on top of your game for years now, no matter how many people have tried to take you down. There’s no room at the top, unless it’s for your friends, of course. Ignore all the critics that say you’re a shadow of your former self - even 50% of you is better than 99% of everyone else, and make sure that everyone knows that!
Wrestling Cancerians : Kevin Nash, Shawn Michaels, Sean Waltman
Leo : July 23 - August 23
You are the man! You are THAT damn good! Everyone knows it, they’re just scared of your all-round glory. Don’t listen to ANYONE - do exactly what you want, when you want - you know it’s right, and pretty soon, everyone comes round to your way of thinking. At the end of the day, it’s not how good your are, but how good you look that gets the job done.
Wrestling Leos : Triple H, Hulk Hogan
Virgo : August 24 - September 22
You know in yourself what the problem is - why you seem to plug away and do your best night after night, yet never really get anywhere. You know you’re good at what you do, and lot’s of people seem to agree, except for the people that matter. You know why you’re never going to be at the top of the game though - until you learn to increase your height or decrease your mouth, then things ain’t gonna change.
Wrestling Virgos : Tazz, Eddie Guerrero, Raven
Libra : September 23 - October 23
You’re the life and soul of the party! Everyone knows you know how to have a good time, and boy do you do it to the extreme! First one to start, last one to fall - you are the party animal to end all party animals. Of course, you know your way round your job too, but they never seem to co-exist happily... one always affects the other, and we all know which one has lost out in the past...
Wrestling Librans : Scott Hall
Scorpio : October 24 - November 22
Despite what the chosen few say, you ARE the King Of The World, and a HUGE rock star. Wrestling needs you more than you need wrestling, because you are the master of all media and the sooner this is recognised, the better it is for everyone. Just because you don’t hang around with the right people, you shouldn’t be expected to put up with this treatment! Watch out for your hair, that glass ceiling plays havoc with it...
Wrestling Scorpios : Chris Jericho
Sagittarius : November 23 - December 21
Dude! You are flying so high right now! Your chance for the spotlight was ended by the better guy (or so you were told anyway) and now you share the limelight with someone staler than yesterday’s bread... but it doesn’t matter to you - you’re everyone’s favourite wrestler, dude! You might need to get your watch fixed though, it seems to be stuck at 4:20.
Wrestling Sagittariuns : Rob Van Dam
Capricorn : December 22 - January 20
You are the master. You are intensity personified, and you’ll do things your way, no questions asked. Don’t expect others to play nicely with you, you’ve ruffled too many feathers so far, so you may have to go just a little bit harder with people to let them know you mean business. Just tell people it’s an accident, or it was their fault for not blocking you, you’ll be fine. Japan loves you, anyway, even if Canada doesn’t.
Wrestling Capricorns : Goldberg
Aquarius : January 21 - February 18
You have the life that anyone would kill for - your career is so solid, you don’t even need to try anymore, if you ever did. All you have to do is just be who you are and people will love you regardless. Those that don’t love you, will be so scared by how impressive your size is, so what does it matter? Go, live your life, enjoy yourself... and complete your collection of Happy Meal toys.
Wrestling Aquarians : The Big Show
Pisces : February 19 - March 20
Whoooo! To be the man, you have to beat the man... you were the man... about 15 years ago. Don’t let that fact get down - you can impart your wisdom on to today’s generation, and mould the young up and comers into superstars of the future. At least, that’s what they’re telling you you’re doing. Oh, and for the record? You should definitely keep your shirt on at all times.
Wrestling Piscean : Ric Flair
Well, there we go... all the way through the column without Goldberg spearing me and adding me to his streak... Until next time, have fun, go mad.
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