With Vengeance out of the way and Summerslam lined up, you’ll notice that the news sites out there start ticking over that little bit faster. Think of it as an offshoot of the popularity of wrestling... the more popular it is, the more sites pop up all over the place.
Now, obviously not all sites can be as shibby as SmashWrestling.com or even Wrestleholic.com - so this week, I thought I’d delve through those nether regions, and take a look at some stories that we refused to post on our beloved newsboards...
Mark Henry update
He is still alive. He is still being paid.
Hell to freeze over
We at SuperDuperWrestling.com can confirm that Hell will in fact freeze over sometime soon. We can exclusively bring you news of a conversation between Triple H and Rob Van Dam, where Triple H said "hell will freeze over before I drop this title". Rob's response wasn't picked up by our extremely illegal tracking devices, but we can only presume that it included the words "dude", "whoa" and "Rob Van Dam".
WWE Shopzone to close
NotMadeUpHonestGuvWrestling.com has learned that WWEShopzone.com will be closing it's doors to the public soon. With the WWE restructuring it's staffing levels at the moment, several areas of the company are now being staffed by wrestlers during their downtime, and one such change has put the Undertaker in charge of Shopzone. Given the 'Taker's reputation of not selling for anyone, we assume Shopzone has approx. 2 days of life left.
In other news, Billy Gunn has been promoted to Executive Vice President in charge of toilet cleaning. When asked for comment, Jim Ross said "He's a veteran helping the company out in a sticky spot"
Bradshaw disgraces WWE on TV
WWE superstar and financial expert Bradshaw is set to be released after his latest disgraceful performance on The Business Channel. Bradshaw appeared on the channel's Stock Take show to talk about his new book, and was clearly sober during the interview. Vince McMahon personally called Bradshaw and told him he demands an explanation for his behaviour first thing on Friday morning - ActualRealNewsAndStuff.com has learned that Bradshaw is almost certain to be shown the door.
We tried to get a comment from the WWE and the APA - WWE would not comment on the matter, however, Bradshaw issued a hand-written statement regarding the incident : "I'shorry it wash a bet that wenn rong and i had to shtop drin *hic* drin *hic* drinking for a day. itsh rooined my career". Ron Simmons added "I'll be DAMNED"
News on Kidman's new gimmick
The WWE are set to repackage Billy Kidman with a new gimmick, to prime him for his upcoming feud with Rey Mysterio. A WWE insider told ItsAllTrueWrestling.com that Kidman will be given the storyline of being a boring little man with no personality that somehow manages to land a hot chick without resorting to getting her drunk. Our source says Kidman has been doing research for his gimmick... for the past 15 years.
Latest Mark Henry Update
While you’ve been reading this, Mark Henry has been paid $2 by the WWE. He bought a Big Mac. with his earnings.
Raw facing commentary dilemma
This Monday’s Raw is facing a commentary crisis. With Jim Ross still sitting out the injury angle of Kane trying to turn him into a BBQ and not using his own brand sauce, Jerry Lawler tried to step up and act a little more serious. He vowed to Vince that he would tone down his act to try and help Coach settle in, and promised not to mention “puppies” on air.
As viewers of last week’s Raw will confirm, during the 6 woman bra and panties battle royal between Trish, Gail Kim, Victoria, Miss Jackie, Ivory and a returning Lita, the explosion of Lawler’s bottled up hormones knocked The Coach out cold.
Lawler is still missing, presumed in orbit somewhere over Moscow.
Michael Cole’s performance pleases WWE
Michael Cole’s commentary at last week’s Vengeance PPV has been roundly praised by the WWE management. Cole has come under criticism in the past for not getting his facts right, and botching the names of some moves and workers.
His commentary at Vengeance, where he correctly called a pinfall, is vindication of Cole’s abilities. Vince McMahon is reportedly thinking of calling off the assassination attempt as a result of this.
Ultimo Dragon set to be released
Japanese cruiserweight legend Ultimo Dragon’s mask may be hung a shaky nail with the WWE right now. Vince McMahon is unhappy with his recent signing. Vince hadn’t seen Ultimo Dragon before, and signed him unseen after hearing glowing reports from Smackdown stars Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, to name but a few.
When he watched Dragon’s debut Smackdown match, McMahon was backstage watching, and was reported to have exploded in a fit of rage. McMahon was upset that Dragon was not actually a real, 8ft tall fire breathing dragon, and in fact a sub-6ft masked Japanese man.
One employee, who does not wish to be named told 110PercentNotMadeUpWrestling.com, said that Vince approached him and yelled “Hey A-Train! Where’s Benoit and Guerrero? Those two idiots are gonna pay!”
Lance Storm annoyed about “boring” gimmick
Canadian grappler Lance Storm is said to be privately fuming over his latest gimmick of being boring. “It’s just not true” he told our reporter, as he folded his socks in chronological order : “They said they had something I could work with, that was really me. I’m not boring”. Lance probably had more to say, but our reporter fell asleep and accidentally stopped the tape recorder during Storm’s 55 page prepared statement.
Mark Henry latest
Mark has finished his Big Mac, and is now eating an apple pie.
So there we go folks, and PLEASE note, before you start emailing in, yes I know those sites aren’t real, and I know these stories are false - it’s called parody. I know I shouldn’t have to explain, but at the start of the year, I did something similar, and spent the next 3 days wading through emails asking me if Scott Steiner really HAD exploded.
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