Mtank News Network (MNN)
"When Masturbation Becomes Boring”
May 16, 2004
Edition v2.4

In this issue…

- Top News: Rooq “Shibby”s
- Smash/Clarkey Leaves Smash
- Weekly Happenings
- Movie Trailers
- Top Ten Quotes of the Week

Mtank325: Good evening, I am Mtank325. It’s been one long month since the previous issue and much has changed here on Smash and in the news studio. Now there may be some new radical changes, but I can assure you, we will continue to dish out the news as soon as we finish setting up framing certain members for posting pictures of a stoned David Blaine in the General Chat section. We have the power.

Starting off with our top news, local moderator and Kevin Nash enthusiast, Rooq, has donated a whopping £50 to the Smash forum. I have no idea what that is in American money, but the 50 indicates it’s probably a large amount. Rooq’s generous donation not only helped secure the future of this forum, but has also de-filterized the word, “Shibby.” That’s right, the word “Shibby” is now active again. Notice how I say “Shibby” without that other phrase coming up. We’ll be seeing more “Shibbys” from Rooq in the weeks to come.

In the dark side of news, Clarkey, former moderator and Stevie Richards enthusiast, has departed from Smash. With no farewell address or anything of the sort, it was Inno who broke the news after Clarkey contacted the lead administrator, wishing for his account to be deactivated on Thursday, April 29th, 2004. With solemn grace, Inno made the announcement at 7:59PM EST/Sometime GMT. The entire Smash board was saddened by the sudden leave by Clarkey, and hopes that he will someday return. Since Clarkey’s last words were about Arsenal football we decided to post Clarkey’s first words here on Smash V2…

“I know its a lot to ask, but please guys give me a chance. This is the new era, Sean Clarke is here to stay (hopefully)”

Mtank325: Truly ironic and saddening at the same time. Moving along, since Smash Hall of Famer, and “Weekly Happenings” reporter, Hef, hasn’t shown up on the forum for about the same time this report has been off the air, we decided it was time to let Hef go and hire someone else. We recently had auditions and The Phenom emerged victorious after not mentioning BLT sandwiches and forming somewhat coherent sentences. So without further ado, new “Weekly Happenings” reporter, The Phenom.

The Phenom: Good evening, Mtank and the rest of Smash. The first news from the prior week or two is that Smash is now a Republican dominated forum and since I’m a Smash reporter, it’s official! Bwahahaha! All hail Bush!

Mtank325: Yes… All hail *Ahem* Bush.

The Phenom: In other news, the Smash Fight Club kicked off on May 1st by club owner and host, Van Wilder. Three rounds have passed and the involved Smash members have all put in for bragging rights as the kicking, scratching, and girly screaming continues. Only five members remain in the official tournament: Bryce, Mysteriokozuna, Banzai, RVDSucka, and SeeDub. Who will come out on top? Stay with the official “Smash Fight Club” to find out.

In other E-fed news, a new “Survivor” game has recently been started by Mysteriokozuna. Many may remember Mtank’s seven versions of Survivor, mostly the last two which were never completed. The new Survivor pits two teams of eight set in an exotic island all yearning to win the prize 400 billion dollars. And since we’re a fully backed license reporting studio, Mysteriokozuna is expected to pay or be sued for the same amount for blatant lying.

The Phenom: It’s official, LG Hooker and Mrs. Hooker can now fully say that the “Mrs.” is factual. The two tied the proverbial knot on… Uh… Someday in May. The two have yet to go on their Honeymoon, but are expecting to venture off sometime in late May, early June. Rumor has it, they will not be taking Mtank.

Mtank325: Damn it!

The Phenom: Big time movie fan, and Smash veteran Shane McMahon has started a Smash-wide “Teaser Trailer” hype in the last few weeks. Shane has started four threads all devoted to mysterious writing about four different “trailers”. Shane has also further pushed this idea by private messaging many of Smash’s members with the threads themselves. What mysterious thing is Shane preparing for Smash? Could it be Smash Forum – The Official Movie? The second coming of Jesus? Or simply a picture of a gerbil on one of those rolling treadmills that become comical when the gerbil slips and continues spinning around? Whatever Shane has planned, we here on Smash news will be the fifth person/object/thing to hear about it, making you all the sixth, seventh, eighth, etc. to hear about it.

And the threads most prominent in each section…

- General Chat
Alright, Where are you?
Started by Mtank325

- Sport Zone
The OFFICIAL Premiership Thread - Extra Time
Started by The Man

- Multimedia Zone
Most Overrated Films of all time?
Started by Raw is Jericho

- Console, Computer and Technology Zone
E3 Discussion
Started by Mtank325

- Current events / Political / World News Zone
The Daily Mirror - Falsified torture pics - proof!
Started by Hogan_Is_God

- Music Zone
Dang, Smash's Whatcha listening to Version 11??
Started by The Great Deku Tree

- Net Crap
Olson Twins *MAY offend some*
Started by Doug Flair

- Funny pics and jokes stuff to make you smile!
Jacko and Victoria Beckham affair? *bad taste*
Started by Kane the Undertaker

- E-feds and forum games
Tie Between: Survivor and Fight Club
Started by Mysteriokozuna and Van Wilder

- The Asylum
This is a test
Started by EdgeRulez

The Phenom: And that’s the news for the week.

Mtank325: Thank you for that report, Phenom. We now move onto a look on what’s coming up in the box office as we get a lucky gander into a few movies with a Smash exclusive first look at movies you’ll probably never see:

*Voiceover* From the guy who swept up the set of American Pie comes a brand new coming of age teen comedy about one kid’s yearning to deflower before the Queen’s Birthday.

Banzai: So what’s ‘sex’ like?
Inno: Sex? Well… Sex is like warm Scottish Haggish.
Banzai’s House Banzai’s Mom: Honey, I’m leaving dinner out to cool.
Banzai’s Dad: Mmmm… Scottish Haggish. Well dear, c’mon let’s temporarily leave the room.
Banzai: Hi Mom! Hi… Hm… warm Scottish Haggish.
Later Banzai’s Mom: Honey is that you... Holy shi

*Voiceover* It’s Scottish Haggish!

Banzai’s Dad: What? Oh, no! Oh, not the Haggish! Not the Haggish! Nooooooooo!
Inno: Hey everyone how’s it… Oh that’s just not right!
Rock Bottom: Hey this isn’t Woolies. Whoa. I was wrong. This is Woolies!
Grandma Banzai: Have you seen my medicine, Dalores? I’m… Banzai! *falls over*
Banzai: Grandma!

*Voiceover* With special American guest star, Edgefan, playing as the innocent American exchange student… From America!

Banzai: So is the webcam setup?
Inno: Yeah, you just get Edgefan to take it off right about… Here. Then it’ll be broadcast around the world, man!
Banzai: Wow.
Inno: Here she comes, I’ll be watching man! Good luck!
Edgefan: Banzai, I can’t find the “soap” if that’s what you people call it here.
Banzai: Oh, uh, I’m sure it’s over here.
Edgefan: Wait a minute. This all seems so familiar… You’re trying to steal my Lucky Charms!
Banzai: What?
Edgefan: What do you take me as? Canadian?
Banzai: I…
Edgefan: I’m leaving!
Banzai: *sigh* Now what?
Kitty: *Meow*
Banzai: Mr. Kitty? Oh Mr. Kitty…
From Various locales The Man: Oh dude! No!
Inno: That’s not right, again!
Raw is Jericho: Must… Not… Vomit! *bleh*
hector_nicols_accordian: Whoa… Whoa… Whoa? Whoa! Whoa.
Anthony: Is that possible?
Banzai’s Mom: Now don’t worry Grandma, you’re be all better after we… Oh my gosh, Banzai! Nooo!
Banzai’s Dad: Ugh! No! Mr. Kitty!
Grandma Banzai: *faints*
Banzai’s Mom: Grandma! Not again! Who knew we’d be view the Smash website after just returning our poor Grandma from the hospital!?!
RVDSucka: Whoa. *Looks around* Yeeeah boy.

*Voiceover* It’s Scottish Haggish! The European teenage comedy about a boy who finds love in all the wrong places. Coming June 2006.

*Voiceover* It was the gripping story of America’s struggle in a conflict of deadly repercussions. In a war where “No man is left behind,” Josh Hartnett played a marine fighting for peace, justice, and kicking some non-American ass. Now watch the follow-up sequel, “Black Man Down”!

RVDSucka plays a funk-ay playa whose been abandoned in the Middle East for some reason. His mission? Make out with some hot Middle Eastern ladies.

RVDSucka: C’mon baby, let’s make love.
Arabian Woman: I cannot. Allah would condemn such an action.
RVDSucka: Oh… Well what Allah doesn’t know, won’t hurt Allah.
Arabian Woman: Allah sees all.
RVDSucka: Oh… Well how about if we put this blanket over us…

*Voiceover The story of one man’s lust in the Middle East is sure to be the hit of whatever season it is released in! There’s drama, suspense, action, good hot loving, and so many plot turns, you won’t even know what’s happening.

Arabian Woman: I’m a man.
RVDSucka:
Man: Oh and this is Nebraska
RVDSucka: *Head explodes*

*Voiceover Coming soon!

*Note* Due to the risky nature of this film and the false stereotype that all black people are “Playas” this film will be released never.

*Voiceover From the mushrooms that ended up creating the idea of “American Gigolo” comes a brand new mushroom-induced comedy… “Canadian Gigolo!!”

LG Hooker was a single living Canadian Gigolo making mad loot while doing the rounds.

LG Hooker: Was it good for you too, eh?
Woman: It was okay.
LG Hooker: Well how aboot that.

It all changed when LG Hooker met Mrs. Hooker (Ironically being named Mrs. Hooker, no relation though). The two hit it off quickly, costing Mrs. Hooker a buck seventy-five. But LG Hooker felt something that no Gigolo should ever feel… Love, oh and herpes. That’ll teach him to not use a condom and all of you as well! *Ahem* Soon LG Hooker and Mrs. Hooker were married, but how would this Canadian Gigolo continue his Gigoloing career with a wife? Watch as hilarity ensues as LG Hooker is the “Canadian Gigolo!”

Voiceover It all started when HE left…

Mtank: No Clarkey! Noooo! *Faints*

27 Days Later…

(In the Console, Computer, and Technology Zone)

Mtank: Hello? Hellooo!? I’m the only one left… There’s no one else here. Dear Lord… There’s no one here, except me…
Bosco: Mskysak, Championship Manager, Mysknia.
Mtank: Bosco! You’re alive!
Bosco: Championship manager! Championship Manager!
Mtank: Championship manager!?!? NOoooooooooooooooooo!
Inno: Mmmhmmm, Championship manager!
Mezzy: Go Tottenham team!
The_Real_JK: Djordevic is my favorite!
TheFonz: My Man United are unstoppable!
The Fluffster: Grawhshaborshy… Cherno Samba! Cherno Samba! Whoogie!
Angelus: Gwahahaha, Championship Manger… 5!
Murphmeister: Did anyone mention the unstoppable Torquay Premiership?
Hughesyr: I love Villa in a totally non-sexual way.
Mtank: No… NO! What’s wrong with you!? All you people talk about is… Championship Manager! My God… This is so wrong! There’s not a single hardcore gamer left except for me!
The Great Deku Tree: Championship manager… I love Championship manager!
Mtank: No! Not you too, Deku! *Punches him*
The Great Deku Tree: Ow!
Mtank: Oh sorry about that.

27 Days Later. When Championship Manager takes over the Console zone, it’s hell on earth. Coming Fall 2007.

Mtank325: All delightful, except the last one was a tad on the scary side. Anyway, we go to our only actual weekly feature, the Top Ten Quotes of the Week.

The Top Ten Quotes of the Week
Honorary Quote
So are entry is Dancing Queen song without the energy of the 1974 winner.
- Show Stealer

The Number Ten Quote of the Week:

Hogan_Is_God
“Passing comment:
Some people, even prominent smashers are being very naughty about their Signatures.
Some are like 10 lines long!
although the person who did have 10 line long sig got banned.
Sweet sweet justice!”

The Number Nine Quote of the Week:
“Well, that may have affected their decision. I am pretty smelly.”
-BushBush

The Number Eight Quote of the Week:

EdgeRulez
Good, you could use a few calories. Love handles are a very good thiing to have. :D

The Number Seven Quote of the Week:
“I too understand it now. You have to understand that similar to Mtank325, I am Canadian and the only headlines I understand contain the words, 'blizzard' 'hockey' or 'beer truck accident on route 95, free beer for all.”
- LG Hooker

The Number Six Quote of the Week:
“Is the beer still there?Is the BEER still there? For God's sake man! Don't panic...draw me a map!”
- Penguin of Doom

The Number Five Quote of the Week:

Mysteriokozuna
"Only you, because you're a loser 8)”

The Number Four Quote of the Week:
”Plus he pissed me off, and as we all know, don't fuck with me on these boards. I am very pretty and have no sense of humour.”
- Edge (Thinking this is what Inno said)

The Number Three Quote of the Week:
” Excellent, the boards will be nice and quiet, until what, Monday? He [/color](theFonz)[color=darkred] might hold out until Tuesday, you never know.”
- Bishop Brennon (He was right :o )

The Number Two Quote of the Week:
”You keep telling yourself that and maybe your ruby slippers will take you out of OZ one day.” - EdgeRulez

The Number One Quote of the Week:
“Big Dave, this constant hand holding is not doing any of us any good. Okay here are the key points:

1. Clarkey left.
2. Fonz took the piss.
3. People got mad at the fonz.
4. Fonz decided to leave because we were all "moaning minnies" to him.
5. Exorabigstupidprickface (that one didnt really work) started a thread calling us names.
6. Some of us came up with funny names for Exorabitch (thats better).
7. Edgerulez is all like "well if you no good fucks didnt reply to fonz's baiting there would never have been a problem"
8. Most of us are like "woah - he's the fucking clown starting all the shit and you're blaming us?"
9. Edgerulez is all like "Yeah"
10. Rock Bottom, Banzai and Seedub are all like "No way mothafucka"
11. Edgerulez is like "Yeah"
12. RB, Ban, See are all like "You're sticking up for him, you're overlooking his crap because he's your friend on here. You're a bent mod."
13. Edgerulez is like "oh msn cliq time is it? You just cant see whats really going on"
14. RB and co are like "Quit it with the condescending bullshit please"
15. Bishop Brennan (not Brendan) is like "Yeah, stop it, its annoying me".
16. Edgerulez is like "I dont talk down to people, you bunch of kids"
17. RB and co are like "Yeah you do, you just did it there!"
18. Edgerulez is like "Nah."
19. Inno's like "Well, yeah."
20. Big Dave, probably drunk, comes in and is like "Woah fuckers, whats the deal up in here mah bitches?"
- Mr. Torrie Wilson

Mtank325: And finally before we end this week’s issue of Smash News, we would like to take time to thank Smash’s very own administrator, our friend and hero, Inno for making the wonderful Smash News Archive. Now before, I thought to myself, “Man am I such a Pansy Patty! My thanks is worthless!” So I decided to make an entire webpage devoted to thanking Inno!

http://www.freewebs.com/pmcquotes/ThankstoInno.htm

Mtank325: Now most people out there will criticize me saying I put absolutely no work into it, and it’s merely really big and bold letters with a wingding smiley at the end. Well to those people I say, “Be quiet.” Oh and if anyone’s computer crashes because of the really big text because your monitor’s caliber or something is messed up, blame it on Inno.

And that’s your news for the week, Smash. Good night.

Credits
MTNN Anchorman: Mtank325
MTNN “Weekly Happenings” Reporter: The Phenom
Scottish Haggish Cast: Banzai, Inno, Banzai’s Mom, Dad, and Grandmother, Edgefan25, The Man, Raw is Jericho, RVDSucka, Rock Bottom, hector_nicols_accordian, Anthony, and of course… Mr. Kitty. Directed by Shane McMahon
Black Man Down Cast: RVDSucka and a Nebraska Man posing as Middle Eastern Woman. Directed by Edgefan25.
Canadian Gigolo Cast: LG Hooker and Mrs. Hooker. Directed by Van Wilder
27 Days Later Cast: Mtank325, Bosco, Inno, The Real_JK, TheFonz, Fluffster, and the Great Deku Tree. There is no director slotted for this movie.

Elucidating? Damn straight it is.

©2004 MtNN Studios
(Yes this is fake)

Go back or the kitty gets it...