Mtank News Network (MTNN)
"It's Not Funny Anymore."
January 18, 2004
Edition v1.6
Tonight on the MTNN:
- Extra Extra! A Zone is Gone! All 3 of you are in shock!
- The 2004 US President Elections; Bush Lovers unite in interpretation hell
- Where did they go?
- Sporting News: SCF Gone
- Top Ten Quotes
- Member Spotlight: Warriorfan
Mtank: Good evening, I’m Mtank325 MTNN lead anchorman. Tonight is January 18th. On our top news tonight, the Idea zone has been stolen. Reports indicate one “Inno” has stolen them for his own seductive purposes. We go live to MTNN correspondent (Temporary), Venger:
Venger: Mtank, I’m standing here between the Asylum and the Private Lounge where the Idea forum used to be. Now there is only a simple line that divides the two highly popular sections. Members have gone by here and laid out flowers for the deceased Zone, but life has gone on. We talked by random bystanders to receive what they thought about this tragedy:
“Everytime I go to Glasgow, bad things happen.”
- Drummk
“I Feel Violated!”
- Big Dave
“BLERG, MERGH and a SLERG.”
- EdgeRulez
Venger: As you can see, Smash members strived to remain normal and continue with their normal habits.
Mtank: Reports indicate that Inno has no intention of putting the Ideas forum back. So far we’ve found no one who cares.
Mtank: In other news, we continue to cruise the community this week with a look into the 2nd newest forum, “Current Events, Political, and World News Zone.”
Most people stay away from it. It’s evil, it’s unholy, it’s diabolical. Yes, it’s the Current Events, etcetera etcetera blah blah blah Zone. This is the breeding ground for the top political members like ThePhenom, EdgeRulez, Doug Flair, and others. Most members avoid this zone lest they be lashed by the whip-like tongues of the political hashers.
One of the bigger political debates in the forum right now is the race for the US Presidential seat in 2004. Recently we had a chance to speak with the head of the debate MysterioKozuna in a mock interview. These are all REAL quotes from MysterioKozuna. I assure you.
Mtank: Thank you Mr. Kozuna for talking to us here today.
MysterioKozuna: “There are many supporters of Bush.”
Mtank: Ah, haha, yes bush, we all love bush. Heh heh heh. Are you a fan of bush?
MysterioKozuna: ”I know of a LOT more non-supporters.”
Mtank: Non-supporters of bush? You mean women?
MysterioKozuna: “You really get on my last nerve, you know that Phenom????”
Mtank: Well sorry, but I may be a phenom, but you can just call me Mtank.
MysterioKozuna: “I dunno.”
Mtank: Dunno what?
MysterioKozuna: “Oil-producing states.”
Mtank: That’s a good point, Oil-producing states are always a good investment in a presidential race.
MysterioKozuna: “As well as the states that encourage incest”
Mtank: Uhm, I don’t know about that one.
MysterioKozuna: “Who will win the Presidency in 2004???”
Mtank: I’m not sure. But let’s go off-topic here, we were before talking about ‘bush’, which Smash member do you think will be getting ‘bush’ tonight?
MysterioKozuna: “I want to see Dean get it, I think he has the best chance at going after Bush”
Mtank: So you think Dean will get “Bush”? Alright, thank you for talking with us, MysterioKozuna.
MysterioKozuna: “Oh no, Clark isn't gonna be the choice for us, at least I hope not.”
Mtank: What’s this about Clarkey? You don’t think he is going to get ‘Bush’?
MysterioKozuna: “I want to see Dean get it”
Mtank: … So you want to see Dean getting “Bush”?
MysterioKozuna: “I want to see Dean get it”
Mtank: Okay this is getting weird.
Mtank: Thank you MysterioKozuna for having that interesting double entendre discussion with us about the Presidential campaign and… bush.
Mtank: In sporting news, the Smash Chewbacca Federation (SCF) is now dead. We go to temporary MTNN sports news correspondent, Litaizmybabe.
Litaizmybabe: Howdy’ Mtank, a fine day it is here today. The sun is shining, the birds are making out, it’s a wondrous day. But here inside the now empty SCF Headquarters, it’s a different story.
It all started after the Hindenburg United defeated Trouble With Dribbles 2-1 (Gs – HU: Chosen1 (t)23.06, Rock Bottom (t)89.48 TD: Ultimo LJ (t)30.06). SCF President, TheFonz after the game was later seen driving with his new whatever-you-Euros-call it driver’s license. It was when theFonz returned the trouble REALLY began.
TheFonz, irritated after finding that Europe was weird and people drove on the wrong side of the road, found that there was no feedback from any of the fans or players in the SCF message board. It was then, defying logic and not asking for reasons (Despite Smash being offline for 8 hours yesterday) he held a quick and terse press conference this morning at 7:12AM EST. We were late, but we were able to catch the long winded conference:
”Bollocks to it”Mtank: What exactly did he mean by this?
Litaizmybabe: How the hell should I know?
Mtank: Uhm… don’t curse, we’re on air.
Litaizmybabe: Oh yeah? Well fuc…
Mtank: And that ends our transmission from ex-MTNN correspondent Litaizmybabe. From our previous polls we asked you the viewers why you thought the SCF was delayed last week, here is the results:
A total of 25 people voted
10 people voted (40%) that Fonzie was Uber-Lazy last weekend
6 people voted (24%) that they don’t care.
4 people voted (16%) that they surely didn’t care.
2 people voted (8%) that Fonzie was drunk
2 people voted (8%) that a SCF player was a stone cold crack addict
One person voted (4%) that Fonzie was busy
Mtank: Our new poll is slotted again to the breaking news of the SCF and it asks, “How do you feel about the SCF shutting down?”
Mtank: We have our newest feature here on the MTNN, our report on members who have fallen wayside of Smash.
When newbies first arrive bright and cheery to the large doors of Smash’s forums, they are not greeted by a cheerful hello, but a shotgun (In a form of strike) pointed at their head with a multitude of members with their beating sticks firmly tightened in one hand watching the new enter the forum. Most new people will not venture further then a quick hello and then quickly disperse, never to be heard of again. Some will post, but beaten into a bloody pulp and run home crying to their momma. Others (Mostly) are ignorant and their continued presence makes us all a little dumber.
There was one member who managed to dodge the bullet and managed to even stay for us a few months. When you first heard, met, talked to this member you probably thought of Motorhead’s Ace of Spades or how you’d like to go WooWoo on Jennifer Garner’s Ta-Tas. This member though managed to define his own personality and led you away from the WooWoos and Tatas, temporarily. This man was Alias.
Alias was a man of few convictions. A potential Smash member that just fizzled out. What happened to this once ongoing strong newbie of Smash? Many say Alias managed to garner a life and escape the ineptitude of himself and went out into the real world. Others say he was mangled by bloodthirsty bat-dogs. We at MTNN have the truth. Alias has been taken hostage by damn, dirty moon men and it is the duty of every Smash member to organize a rescue mission and recover this once potential Smash member.
But we here at MTNN are practical people. We realize that moon travel is eons away and that by the time we reach the moon, bam, zam, we’ll be ruled by cockroaches. So instead of doing any actual research or anymore work then we have to, we salute Alias and his final words:
“Life is good. Everything seems fine right about now.”
- Alias
We wish it was true, Alias. Thank you for the memories…
Member in Missing
Alias (2003-2003)
A Man of Few Convictions
Mtank: But now finally we come to our Top Ten Quotes of the week… Except it’s the Top Five as it was a rather slooow week quote-wise.
Top Five Quotes of the Week
5. ”Well the bendover in a packed prison would have came last, had there not been the dim possibility of being surrounded by heterosexual guys.”
- IamStevie
4. “Sorry Fonz- thought you'd left smash 16 times with your tail between your legs. Awwwwwww poor Fonz........ has no friends .............. awwwwwwwww............. sniff ............... job too tough................ sniff .................... sniff...................... ......................”
- Dr. Road Woyah
3. “Yeah, it took a while, but now BOD realises that "in and out in record time" isn't a win-win situation. Or even a win situation.”
- Drummk
2. “Trish forgives Jericho, they make out on the ramp Lita/Matt style...aww how romantic! Then 10 months later Trish gives birth to a hand....a BLACK hand! Thus the Trish Heel turn”
- RVDSucka
1. ”Wouldya stop whining, already? Sheesh... try and help... now I know why HHH moans so much - you smarks are never happy”
- Inno
Congratulations to Inno for the quote of the week!
And in our final feature, we have the member spotlight, Kobefan aka Warriorfan aka Charles Jackson.
When you think of basketball, you think of the greats, Dr. J, Michael Jordan, Tracy McGrady, but for one diehard fan he only thinks of one person, Kobe Bryant.
When Warriorfan was first born he wasn’t born totally naked in a mess of goo and cords like the rest of us, but when his head first popped out of his momma he already had the #8 tattooed on his chest, and his cries resounded the hospital room as he started his first chant for his future favorite NBA star.
But even before Warriorfan fulfilled his destiny and first established his ferocious love for Kobe, there was another. There was one who stole his heart the moment he registered on Smash. One he would truly cherish. One he could confide in. One he could be fast friends with. One he could have S’mores with and tell stories around the stove while the children clinged to their legs and dashed about to and fro as they made herbal tea and reprimanded the dog for being too fat despite it being a random hobo in their house. That man was Inno.
Warriorfan desperately tried to get Inno to like him, but never could and gave up on the notion and soon became “Kobe Bryant’s #1 Fan.” Everyone thought Warriorfan didn’t actually think that he liked Kobe and really lost a bet and was branded with a Kobe Bryant avatar/title, but we asked Kobefan and this is what he said:
“Without wanting to generalise, this is what's wrong with America. Not enough Kobe fans, but ANYONE can be a Kobefan "because they like the way they look" and start a mass collection of them.”
- Warriorfan
(Note: Quote changed to seem more hilarious)
So what’s in the future now for this Lakers, Kobe-stalker? We can only say whenever you see a “Free Kobe” protest (aside from those ovreated, crappy “Free MJ” ones) you’ll see him, protecting his main man, Kobe Bryant. We salute this slightly deranged and sort’ve dangerously obsessive Kobefan for he is a valued member of Smash!
1/11/03 - Drummk
1/18/03 - Warriorfan
©2004 MtNN Studios (Yes this is fake)
