Edgefan News Network (ENN)
"We are Anti-Puppy Haters”
March 21, 2004
Edition v2.3
- The Ratings War
- Member of the Month
- Weekly Happenings
- Edgefan's Best Suitor is...?
- Mtank’s Game of the Week
- Top Quotes of the Week
Edgefan25: Good evening, I am ENN anchorwoman, Edgefan25. Our top story tonight is concerning the new show that has appeared in the Asylum. We here at ENN are always appreciative of fine work and creativity of other members, and plus we really weren’t worried about losing any ratings here, I mean c’mon, a reality show based on Smash members? Who wants to read that? But then, we started getting a little… apprehensive when comments like, “This is the best thing I have ever read,” and “Damn this is mutha-flipping (Word obviously changed) good stuff (Word obviously changed.” The one that really did not sit with us was the one that we know everyone was thinking, yet on one wanted to post: “This is so much better then Smash News.” Well damn it, we don’t take that stuff (Word obviously changed) here. So tonight, we have a special report on LG Hooker and his new reality show presented by Mtank325. Mtank?
Mtank: Thank you, Edgefan.
Puppy dogs. Everyone loves them. They’re cute, fuzzy, soft fur and squishily cute button nose makes us all forget our manly ways and squeeze them until they pop. But, I can tell you there is one man (if we may call him that) that thinks differently. You guessed it, this “man” is LG Hooker. Now, we don’t want to slander anyone here on MTN… er ENN so we’ll replace his name to Mr. James so his true identity is not revealed.
We pose this question to our devoted readers, have you ever heard Mr. James go on the record and clearly state he is not a puppy-hater? Have any of you through any of your experiences with this malicious man can honestly say he has said he is not a puppy-hater? Oh by the way, he was lying if he did say it. Lying to mask his true ways! That’s right, not only has Mr. Hooker not denied his puppy hating, but also lied to you! You the people! Now, what we are about to show you is malicious, horrible, and a terrible photo that could only have been secretly stolen from Mr. James’ personal desk. We assure you no photoshop was used and this is Mr. James’ picture.
It is sick and perverted! I know! I know! Do not turn away from your screens, for this is the truth! This is Mr. James’ dark secret!
But we here at Smash News would like to assure you that we are against puppy haters and love puppies to death. And to those cat people out there, has LG Hooker said he’s been to the cat capital of the world, Katmandu? I thought not. And yes, LG Hooker’s Reality Show may be more fruitful, funnier, clever, better written, and on time then Smash News, but would you really want to read a show by a puppy-hater? For ENN, this is correspondent Mtank325…
Edgefan: Aww… Those puppies were soooo cute.
RVDSucka: Hey hey, check me out, I’m a puppy, bow wow. Want to come into my dog house and see my HOT dog, Edgefanny, if you catch my drift, heh heh.
Edgefan: *POW*
Mtank: My gosh! You shot him!
Edgefan: Yes, but it was with a harmless tazer. A tazer of 10,000 pure wattage of power.
Mtank: Oh. Well this seems let the best time to congratulate RVDSucka for becoming the February “Member of the Month!” RVDSucka, if you weren’t violently shaking like that, I’d…
Edgefan: I announce the winner! *POW*
Mtank: Glub!
Edgefan: *Ahem* Now I did say this version was unbiased, but you people are insane if you think RVDSucka is “Member of the Month!” Really…
Black_Widow_AK: Hold it right there, Edgefan! RVDSucka deserves the title, he won it fair and square!
RVDSucka: Oh… Thank… God!
Edgefan: *POW* Listen! RVDSucka is nothing, but a young pervert who hides behind a computer screen using sleazy clichés in hopes of gaining my love!
Black_Widow_AK: Oh… when you put it that way it becomes so much clearer. Here give me that… *POW*
Mtank: WOoo! Cat fight!
Black_Widow_AK: *POW*
Edgefan: C’mon, Dawn, let’s go have a smoothie.
Mtank: Uh… Well, I guess I’d better retake over MTNN! Booyah! Here we go, uh RVDSucka, your going to have to move, your in my way. C’mon man, stop playing around and move. Uh… RVDSucka? Well I’ll just push you out of the way. There we go. Alright! Anyway, again congratulations to RVDSucka for becoming February’s Member of the Month! We go to the polls to find out how the scoring broke down…
A total of 28 people voted
Eleven people (39%) voted for RVDSucka
Seven people (25%) voted for Kurt Angle
Five people (17%) voted for Clarkey
Five people (17%) voted for the Man
And zero people voted for the Fluffster, but it’s okay, it was merely because the other members did some crazy stuff this month that outshadowed Fluffster’s true greatness!
Mtank: Two months down, ten to go. Alright, moving on here, we go to our regular column, “Weekly Happenings” with new host, Litaizmybabe, whom I’ll be calling LIMB for now on because it’s much easier, LIMB.
Litaizmybabe: Good evening, Mtank and all the Smash News readers out there! This week wasn’t as Romantically-charged as last week, and the week seemed to trudge along rather slowly. We start off firstly with Smash News being bumped to second place in the Smash Asylum ratings of scripted shows being beaten by LG Hooker’s Smash Reality Show. With LG Hooker’s debut this week reaching over four pages of replies and well over 500 views, Smash News struggled with only two pages and only around 450 views. Reinstated anchorman, Mtank, has quoted, “We are not worried about losing ground to this new reality series. I wouldn’t be surprised if that show happened to get ‘locked’ in the ratings. Bwahahaha.” In other news, Mtank is being investigated by the Mod Squad headed by Mtank himself. Mtank is charged for making suspicious offhand remarks. Mtank plans on starting his investigation tomorrow.
In other news, the Smash Pictures thread has been restarted for the year 2004 by Ultimo LJ. Members such as Banzai, Anthony, Void, Popsiwinkle, and others have already posted their pictures. Now we can tell which of the Smash members are not vampires. Try to guess, you’ll be surprised!
And the threads most prominent in each section this week…
- General Chat
“The Barbers”
Started by Shane McMahon
- Sport
“Premiership Predictions Game: Continued”
Started by The Chosen1
- Multimedia Zone
“Biggest Twist Ever”
Started by Mysteriokozuna
- Console, Computer, and Technology Zone
“Kazaa”
Started by RVDsucka
- Current Events/Political Zone
“JFK”
Started by Inno
- Music Zone
“Have you ever…”
Started by Hef
- Net Crap
“now that’s what I call a whopper”
Started by Bosco
- Funny Pics/Jokes Zone
“Application for Mcdonalds *pic*”
Started by The Chosen1
- E-Fed and Forums Zone
“The Weakest Link”
Started by Kurt Angle
- The Smash Asylum
“Post Your Picture 2004”
Started by Ultimo LJ
Mtank: Thank you, LIMB for that inspiring report. Now, I was thinking today, “Hey Mtank, what’s the best way to fill-up space, yet make it seem like your doing a lot of work?” Bingo, combine two ideas and we’re in business. Every month we will be having a 32-Smash Member tournament, just like the King of Smash game. This time around instead of voting for whose the best we’ll have certain categories and hypothetical situations like from our “What if…” column. Finally we decided that our honored “Member of the Month” should have the tournament based upon them. And since last month was RVDSucka, we’re going to base it on him. C’mon up here you gnarly dog, you!
RVDSucka: Hey hey hey! So what’s this tournament going to be about? My charmingly good looks? My wonderful posting skills?
Mtank: No, it’s more like your failures with Edgefan.
RVDSucka: … What?
Mtank: This month in the 16-Smash Member tournament will be based upon the following:
Suppose instead of Smash forum being based upon wrestling, it was really an Online Dating Service. Also suppose Edgefan wasn’t married and was looking for a suitable person to try to ‘get’ with. So… What if Edgefan wasn’t married and Smash was a online dating community, which Smash member do you think would have the best chance to go on a date with Ms. Edgefan?
RVDSucka
LG Hooker
Banzai
SeeDub
Smoke Daddy
Anthony
Rooq
EdgeRulez
Rock Bottom
Mysteriokozuna
Black_Widow_AK
Big Dave
TheFonz
LadyScorpion
Van Wilder
Inno
So, when you’re leaving your criticisms/compliments, just pop the names you want from each bracket. Remember this isn’t a popularity contest, it’s whom you think Edgefan would possibly date. And you can’t back out either! Mwahahahaha!
RVDsucka: Uh…
Mtank: That’s right, Sucka, it’s time for the “Game of the Week” report!
Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball (XBOX)
I can tell you right off the bat, this game wasn’t designed for little girls. Take a guess who it’s for… Hm… let me see… Testerone-pumping Teenage boys? That’s right, me!
Surprisingly, after Everything or Nothing this game called out to me. Gameplay-wise, it’s broken up into several parts. The first is obviously volleyball. It’s nothing in-depth, but it’s pretty fun. Once you get the hang of it you’ll be winning 7-0 games easily. The real fun comes in viewing the young ladies relaxing and building up relationships with the other girls. Every girl has their own personality and likes/dislikes, that it’s surprising how in-depthful this can be. Like Christie, a cold-hard assassin would be tough as hell to get to partner up with anyone, while Lisa, an open-minded, easy-to-get along with member, partnered with everyone. It’s pretty fun to build relationships and break them.
Graphically, damn it, this has the best character models out there. It’s damn good. The soundtrack is amazing with a lot of nice relaxing beachy, lively tunes with the option of adding your own tracks. Team Ninja threw in their usual Jap-American voices. The voicework sounds pretty good, if only I understood Japanese…
I have one big qualm with the game. When your having your viewing sessions of the girls uh… relaxing the camera is very annoying. You need to use both analog sticks and both top triggers to be able to zoom on uh… certain places. It requires two hands! I need my other hand to… drink a soda. That’s right, two hands! Plus the camera is stationary so it’ll revert back to it’s previous position unless you keep the analog stick locked in place. Annoying!
So what says me about picking this one up? Rent it or wait for the price drop to 19.99. The graphics are amazing, the sound of the game is superb, but the game feels limited. I’ll be doing an extended version review for Furious Rage.com!
Mtank gives Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball for the XBOX a 8.3 out of 10.
Mtank: And we have two things to finish up here. One is the poll of the week. I decided this week to do something different. This week we’re going to play a little game. I’m going to describe a member and you the viewers/readers will have to try to guess who it is.
- Joined in April 2002
- Has over 2,000 posts
- Is located in Europe
- Is a donator
- Likes the Simpsons
- His location was formulated by last week’s Smash news
- Name has no spaces
So there you have it. Out of that information, which Smash member is it?
- TheFonz
- SeeDub
- Inno
- PeoplesChampion
- ShaneMcMahon
- Crippin
- Hef
- Michaels
- Banzai
Mtank: And we finish up with… the Top Ten Quotes!
Top Ten Quotes of the Week
The Tenth Quote is:
“Bar...ber? 
”
- Bradshaw101
9: “Hey, my sister looks just like you black_widow_ak
She works for the Red Cross 
”
- hector_nicols_accordian
8: “ black_widow_ak I hope, pray and dream that you shall be kissed by the front of a speeding train, you menace to the innocent.”
- Penguin of Doom
7: “ Anyway, Ive just got home from footy practice, and am about to cook my mum a lovely mothers day breakfast..
Yep, a couple of slices of toast...WITH JAM!”
- Murphmeister
6: “Lets not judge him till we at least confirm he's not Batman.”
- Mr. Torrie Wilson (About that cape-wearing guy who lived with Dannyboy/Jmac)
5: “ I'll say it again the kid is fucking weird. Living with that waste of oxygen for 2 months made me realize how much I have to be thankful for that I'm not like him in anyway. Cleaning out the kids room was like investigating a rape scene.”
- Jmac
4: “So remember kids, if you're going to fuck about, always wear a crash helmet 
”
- Groovico
3: “”Here Inno, take my coffee.
*Inno takes coffee*
Inno, can you check what time it is?
*Inno turns hand to look at watch, and spills coffee all over himself*
BURRRRRN!!!!”
- MysterioKozuna
2: “BLAME CANADA! BLAME CANADA! It seems that everything's gone wrong, since Canada came along!”
- Dannyboy
1: “I wish someone would tell me more often that I'm a Cock Jockey. I keep forgetting 
”
- Shane McMahon
Mtank: Congratulations to Shane McMahon for the quote of the week.
From all of us here at Smash News, good night.
Credits
ENN Writer: Mtank325
ENN February Member of the Month: RVDSucka
ENN News Anchorwoman: Edgefan25
ENN “Weekly Happenings”: Litaizmybabe
©2004 MtNN Studios
(Yes this is fake)
